What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 08:49
She found it foreign!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I waited trembling.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Have you ever been forced to dress like a girl?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do people stop working towards achieving their dreams?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why are white women so hard to date?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So whats the point in blame.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was seconnd youngest,
Why would a spouse cheat if the marriage is good?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
How much of lounge pianists playing is from repertoire, and how much is improvised?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why are European countries warning European travelers to be careful traveling to the United States?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it wasn’t much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot live in the past .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I think the readers, may guess!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He knew the spot.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I write beautiful poetry .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She wouldn,t have been !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is soul school!.
She was in good health!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She married twice! .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was scared of men, in general
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was 9 years of age.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She loved him until the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Who then, do I blame.?
I will be 64.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So, i spoilt her more .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My life is so biszare .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Comes on , in middle age.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We all went to grammer schools
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I said to her
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I couldn’t, believe it.
I have no regrets .
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?